Without Him
by Eleavir
Summary: What had happened to a pair of brothers who had used to be inseparable but now stood worlds apart? A life without him, without his curse in the golden form, would it be much more livable as Sideswipe wished? IDW-verse, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker.
1. Prologue

_I've always wanted to write something for the twins in the IDW-verse since their relationship in this universe is so different and twisted and as of now no one in IDW bothers to give an explanation._

_I have to write something for them. It's a promise I made to my Universe Sunstreaker and his brother Sideswipe. I intend to keep it._

_Please leave a review if you like it. It is greatly appreciated._

**Disclaimer: **Despite my wish, I don't own either Transformers or Lamborghinis. Alas.

Without Him

0. Prologue

"_Sometimes I wonder, Sideswipe, what it's like to be the Only."_

That dream again.

He was tied to a hard surface, with pale, artificial light above shone into his optics. He yelped in excruciating pain, all the time trying to squirm out of the shackles to no avail. He jerked up his helm as another wave of pain from his limbs washed all over his processor. He gasped as he saw a bunch of small organic creatures hunching over his body, literally cutting him into pieces.

He screamed. He begged. He cried out loud for mercy while his words fell on deaf ears. Those squishy creatures were communicating in a language he could not comprehend, yet he could tell from their careless demeanor that they thought of him no more than a pile of scrap. Perhaps that was what he would become after they finished their job.

Another squishy thing started sawing off his right arm, his scarlet red arm with his proud pile-driver fist. He shrieked at the top of his vocalizer, words broken, utterly incomprehensible.

It was only after he emerged from the recharge with a start did he realize that he was, at the end of his nightmare, calling out for his twin, begging his savior to come for him.

That was stupid, Sideswipe mused to himself. It got to be the extra energon cube he'd consumed before going to recharge. He rolled to his side, giving himself a reassuring nudge on the right arm before drifting off again.

Who would need that self-absorbed fragger? After all, he had decided to leave him and all thoughts of him behind. Sunstreaker could rust in his purgatory for all he cared. Twin brother or no, Sideswipe was happy being the "only" after he had acquired his inner tranquility.

Sunstreaker was out of his concern for good. Perhaps he should have done it eons ago. He had tried, in every possible way in the last thousands of meta-cycles, to get away from his brother's shadow. Now that he finally succeeded, he was at peace with himself. His life that had used to be so twisted like a knot was finally straightened out. He would move on, being cheeky and cheerful all again, being much more alive.

A life without him, without his curse in the golden form, would be much more livable.

Sideswipe's systems went offline one by one as he slipped deeper into the soundless recharge. There were no more nightmares, no more phantoms of the past; only darkness welcomed him, embraced his Spark and calmed his mind with the warmth of eternal solitude.


	2. A Love Before Time

_Nano-klik - 1 second_

_Klik - 1.2 minutes_

_Cycle - 1hr15min_

_Mega-cycle - 93 hours_

_Deca-cycle - 3 weeks_

_Stellar-cycle - 7.5 months_

_Meta-cycle - 13 months_

_Ano-cycle - a Cybertronian year_

1. A Love Before Time

**Ark-12, present time**

"Sideswipe," the comlink beeped as Hound's avatar appeared above the red warrior's left forearm. "Ark-32 is hailing us. It appears they have good news for you. Come to the bridge to see for yourself."

Although in doubt what kind of "good" news the other Ark would bring to him, Sideswipe halted the sparring exercise with the drone and exited the training room. As he jogged down the hallway, he saw several 'bots coming from the bridge passing by and give him either a friendly pat on the back or a wink with an understanding chuckle. That battle on Earth several deca-cycles ago definitely did him more good than just restoring his self-confidence. It seemed as Sideswipe's chronical foul mood giving away to his newly acquired Zen, he suddenly became a fun-loving, jovial 'bot that went around cheering everyone up. Even Hound would give him an affectionate pat now and then, despite not really understanding what had happened but definitely appreciating the sudden change of Spark.

As Sideswipe stepping into the bridge, he immediately saw Hot Rod's image gracing their screen. The young mech was happily chatting with Hound, only stopped at seeing him come closer.

"Hot Rod has just returned from his mission on Earth," Hound explained as Sideswipe exchanged greetings with the grinning young mech.

"I've successfully retrieved Sunstreaker," Hot Rod beamed, "not an easy task, with Scorponok and his minions on my tailpipe. Lucky for me as I managed to get the backup from the Dynobots. Now that 'Streaker is under the extensive care of Ol'Ratchet, you can drop by and pay him a visit anytime you like. He's still in CR chamber though. Ratchet is contemplating rendering him a new body after what he has been through. Not a bad idea if you ask me, seeing the severity of damage Sunstreaker has sustained from that whole Headmaster thing. Man, it's a miracle his Spark has survived. There was a moment I thought I had lost him right there. "

Sideswipe was lost after the first sentence. They got him back? After he had finally made the decision of moving on and living alone, they got him back? His Spark shivered at hearing the golden warrior's name get brought up. He stood there, motionless, face blank.

Hound put a hand on his shoulder as a gesture of kindness.

"We're happy for you, Sideswipe," the squadron leader said in a relieved tone. "It's good to know Sunstreaker's back. Told ya Prime would never give up on his soldiers. If you want to see him now, just go; I'll have your duties cleared." He gave him a gentle nudge, "Don't you wish to see your friend? After all those rants and constant negligence of direct orders -" he smiled good-naturedly, obviously remembering the stressful time they had experienced before they finally arrived at Earth.

"No."

Hound blinked, seemingly not comprehending what he had just heard.

"Did my audio receptors have a glitch?" he said uncertainly. Even Hot Rod looked perplexed. "I thought you just said no?"

"That is what I said, and no, I'm not going to visit that fragger." _Not for my sanity, no._ Then the red warrior pivoted to face Hound. "And I will report to duty in 1.2 cycles as per schedule." With that he turned around, not bothered to look back at Hot Rod again or anyone on the bridge for that matter before exiting.

Hot Rod furrowed his brow as the red warrior disappeared behind the sliding door.

"What's with him?" he asked, to which Hound could only reply with a silent shrug.

* * *

Sideswipe dashed into the training room and started beating up the hapless drone.

"Frag you," he cursed under his breath, getting louder as he threw yet another punch at the drone, "you glitch-head, smelting scrap of an idiot! Get slagged!"

The drone finally gave in to his overwhelming power and cracked into pieces. Sideswipe wasn't satisfied with this. He continued to mutilate the poor thing until it was beyond repair. Some other 'bots that had been in the same room working on their own training took the cue and left as Sideswipe started cursing. By the time the drone became a pile of scrap, Sideswipe was already left alone in the empty training room.

The red warrior gave the scrapheap a final kick, sending it scattering all over the floor before he curled up in a corner.

'I'm losing my Zen,' he thought miserably as his fingers dug deeply into the crevices on his arms. 'And that fragger doesn't even have to show up wearing his arrogance to break it. No, it shouldn't be happening. I've proven myself. I single-handedly defeated two undead maniacs while all _he _could do was wither in that little hole of his waiting for others to rescue. I'm the better one. I am the___ better _one. It's done. It's___over. _Now just make the pain stop._____Stop.'_

He curled into a tight ball, arms pressing against his chestplate where the Spark pulsed.

They would go away, he knew. The piercing pain, the dulling numbness, and the gnawing emptiness, they would all go away eventually, or at least there would be a time when he could get used to them. He would learn to get accustomed to their company just as he had learned how not to miss one a long time ago.

'I will survive,' he thought, regaining some composure as his fans worked to maximum to ventilate the heat accumulating in his circuits. 'I will survive just as I did before. '

He stretched up, pushing himself to his feet. Standing over the mess of what was left of the drone, he was tall and strong again, although his shoulders still slumped a little.

"Now just carry on," he whispered for no other audios to hear, "you've got the strength for it. He is not here to break you. He cannot break you again. "

And he had used to think that being sparked together with Sunstreaker had been the best thing happened to him ever.

* * *

**Cybertron, before the civil war.**

At first, Sideswipe did not know how not to love his brother.

Before he was brought online for the first time he could feel his brother's presence, a sure existence somewhere deep in his Spark. It was normalcy to him, a constant to hold on to in this ever-changing world. During the first few hundreds of ano-cycles, their way of life had been what it was supposed to be: His brother being the centre of his life, and him his. They had been living in a world where no one else was able to trespass. Just the two of them, and that was all that mattered. Others were never a concern to them. No one could understand or even imagine how close two mechs could be. It was a gift Primus would only bestow upon very few lucky Sparks. But then again, perhaps it was the opposite of luck, a goddamn curse that was placed on those extremely unfortunate ones for some unthinkable sins they had probably committed in their past life.

They still had what seemed to be an eternity ahead before Sideswipe would consider being Spark-split with Sunstreaker was a punishment instead of a bliss. It was a time when they were still young and naivety hadn't ceased to be part of their nature, when trust was still mutual and destiny hadn't shown its ugliest facet, when life hadn't turned its back on them and every time they would wake from a recharge cycle with the sure knowledge of being together. Kaon wasn't exactly a welcoming city-state. Yet so long as the brothers had each other to count on, they would take the challenges the city imposed on them in stride. Sideswipe was content with what he could make out of his growing trading business, and Sunstreaker got to keep doing what he was talented at: being a mural artist and, by having his commissions done perfectly, securing a healthy increase in his clientele.

And when the Sun traveled down to the other side of the planet, the brothers would leave their workstation and hang around on the streets, or speed to the outskirts of the city to let off some steam. Occasionally, the duo would show up on the stand of underground gladiatorial games. Sideswipe got the access thanks to one of his connections, a token of appreciation for a deal he'd taken care of. To this day, he still remembered the first match he'd brought Sunstreaker to watch, and mentally beat himself up for it.

The game started out great. Sideswipe enjoyed the sight of two mechs trying to out beat one another. The smell of burned tires and spilled energon were just as much exciting to him as to his brother. Then the last moment came. The winning mech tramped on the losing one's chestplate, a plasma spear in his right hand, pointing to the other's Spark chamber. The audience went into a frenzy as they chanted "Till all are one!" Sunstreaker was shouting alongside the others, arms flailing wildly, optics glaring at the centre of the arena with such intensity that the shade of usual azure almost gave way to lightning white.

Sideswipe quickly lost the taste of excitement at seeing his brother like this. He pulled at the golden twin's arm, trying to get him back to his normal self. Instead of Sunstreaker's attention, all he got was a dismissive wave.

"Sunstreaker! Please!" He had to shout at his brother's audio receptor for him to hear, "Let's leave this place!"

"What? Not now!" His suggestion fell through Sunstreaker's processor and at once categorized as background noise. As the winning mech raising up his spear, Sunstreaker suddenly forgot all about his brother and joined the cheering chorus again as the audience urged the standing gladiator to finish his job.

'He's going to kill him!' Sideswipe watched in horror, 'Oh Primus, he's going for his Spark!'

And he had thought this had been merely a pastime sport.

Terror seized his Spark and made him shout to his twin again. "I'm not watching this anymore! We should g-"

And the gladiator struck.

As the twins leaving the arena along with everyone else, Sideswipe looked crestfallen, disgusted by the very last scene and wanted to purge all his tanks. Sunstreaker, on the other hand, was still immersed in the aftertaste of ecstasy. His optics were now glimmering in soft blue as he strolled down the alley alongside his brother. Sideswipe could tell by the brisk steps that he must be replaying the death match in his processor over and over again. And that knowledge disgusted him more.

"That was superb," his twin broke the stretching silence with a dreamy voice that would only be heard when he was admiring some masterpiece in arts. "Did you see how he delivered the final blow? Such a swift strike, deadly and accurate. I bet it took less than 3 nanos to crush that Spark. Oh Primus, I wish they have another match soon. Haven't had such a terrific night in anos." He then wrapped his arm around Sideswipe's shoulders to show his appreciation. "Thanks, bro. I had a blast."

Sideswipe stopped to face his brother. "How can you _enjoy _seeing someone get their Spark ripped out and destroyed?"He studied his twin up and down, as if he had just met him. How could his brother see nothing but_ beauty_ in that horrendous act?

Sunstreaker just laughed and patted his helm affectionately. "It's okay," he gave Sideswipe a crooked grin, "those games are meant for grown-ups, like me. Next time you can just stay home and be a good sparkling while I'm away enjoying the night."

"Grown-up my aft," Sideswipe snapped, brushing off Sunstreaker's hand irritatedly, annoyed by his twin's careless attitude. "Look, aren't you at least concerned that a life has just perished for what…your _entertainment?"_

"Hmm, no?"

Sideswipe growled. To which Sunstreaker only shrugged. "They are professional gladiators. That job comes with certain _occupational hazards. _Either deal with it or don't bother to sign the contract. Geez, it's not like you ever cared about others before. Why pretend to care now?"

Sunstreaker might have a point. Sideswipe didn't have a soft spot for others, except that other being his twin, and a mech in Kaon with a tender Spark would have been deactivated a long time ago. Biting down his frustration, Sideswipe mumbled as he continued to saunter again.

"It's just that…I wasn't comfortable seeing it. I mean, it's a Spark, real stuff you know. And it just got crushed like that, like…breaking an energon container or something equally trivial. It feels so wrong." And there was more to it, some uneasy feelings he couldn't yet put his finger on.

"Oh Sideswipe, stop thinking too much as it'll short circuit your processor," came a chuckle and a playful knock on his helm. "Just as I intuitively pointed out, those games are for mature minds. Apparently you're lacking the necessary emotional inhibiting buffer in order to think clearly as I do. For your own safety concern, being considerate of me, I won't require you to show up for later rounds. Go take care of yourself while I'm out there having all the fun. At least you can manage that, can't you?"

"Ah my dearest sunshine, being his humble self tonight, reminds me again why I have to be stuck with a twin."

"To glorify your crappy life with my classy presence, of course."

Sunstreaker grinned as Sideswipe all but rolled his optics and groaned. "C'mon, let's hit the road," he nudged his red half before transformed. "We have a home to return to."

_To be continued..._

_This author loves reviews and she can use them in lieu of chocolates._


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